New years

anyone have plans? I am thinking of going up to NOVA.

Check it out

that's me...
I have 38 clients right now & will get more.

new funding for mental health in virginia

wedding

so regarding mom's impending marriage, which appears to be the hot topic, I will elaborate.
She's getting married this summer, it was not really a surprise to me.
They guy is OK, but weird... what do you expect, right? He was chosen by a direct member of my bloodline.
I am OK with this, but I don't pretend to get why she likes him so much. He would bug the shit out of me if I lived with him. I don't think he's going to beat her up or anything, and she's happy, so I'm for it. If I sound somewhat removed from the whole thing, it's because I am... I've decided she gets to do what she wants (duh) and I will support her. And I have already decided not to say anything if they get divorced. So, I'm being good here. Also, I'm just not really worried about Mom, because either way I know she'll be fine. Basically that is why I am apathetic.
Now, in terms of where I will live, that is a question. Mom will probably sell the house and I'll have to move out, whether that's to my grandma's or to an apartment. The kitties I think will probably stay with me, although mom wants Stella to go with her to stay with Dan, which sounds like a bad idea to me considering his cat is super possessive of him and has front claws. Mom says he would get her declawed. And his cat does not have teeth (Abyssinian, it's a purebred thing.) I say the cat is still too old to get declawed and would terrorize Stella anyway, who is relatively fat and sedentary compared to his neurotic, wired, jumpy climber. And it would split our kitties up.
So, as you can see, really I'm worried about the cats. Projection? possibly.
In other news, I am anxious about my job performance. I can tell this because 1) I am anxious about my job performance, and 2)I am doing those neurotic things I do when I get neurotic.
This includes clingyness (hugging mom until she gets annoyed[which usually happens whenever I ask for a hug anyway... root of intimacy issues, anyone?], eyeing available men and determining the rate at which I would suck their autonomy and soul away in a relationship, spacing out about the meaning of existence and suffering for hours while watching so-bad-it-should-be-daytime television. ps thank you writer's strike.) Other symptoms include desparate and frenzied cleaning, yoga videos, obsessive binge-reading and binge-computer game playing/web surfing, dry mouth, sweating, and fatigue. If you develop muscle weakness or twitching, it could be a sign of a serious but rare side effect. See your doctor immediately.
Anyway, I decided the only two ways to reduce my performance anxiety was to 1)stop sucking or 2)stop worrying. I am not sure that I am actually sucking so I'm going with 2, but it's slow going. Anyway, this bitch session seems to have helped.
OK, thanks guys.
love yas,
Mer

Quick

so here goes:
Mom is engaged (officially, with a ring)
Thanksgiving did not dissapoint, although the most eventful event was actually Mom's BF getting all passive-aggressive in my 'grill' as it were
Work, I'm surviving, but experiencing a bout of insecurity with my performance
That's what he said
I am also missing friends (tear, pity pity.)
Also doing a good job of maintaining relatively positive internal language, despite this list.
Glad to hear Claire is back in town.
Glad Christmas is coming (that means it will be over sooner, haha) but really I am actually kindof looking forward to it, and more so this year b/c I'm not taking time off so that means everyone can't try to drag me around to do this and that.

Miss you all~ College & High school buddies~
hugs from Mer.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello, and happy thanksgiving holiday to everyone. I'm working a half day tomorrow then will be gone to my grandparent's (yeah, THOSE grandparents) for a five-day marathon of eating, shopping, forced socialization (my personal most-hated), and drinking. Well, ok... not drinking. But it sure would make the other three a lot more interesting, wouldn't it?
Mom is sick and in rare whiny and manipualtive form. not that her form is rare, but she's in rare form. I do feel bad she's sick. Hopefully things will go smoothly in the car tomorrow.
AND, hopefully for you guys, you all can look forward to another installment of "what weird-ass shit happened at Meredith's grandmother's house" or, as I like to call it, "how much more dysfunctional can things get before my aunt smashes the turkey carcass over someone's head" OR "exactly how much passive-agressiveness IS there in my family?". These are questions that only time can answer, and a good number of longitudinal and cross-sectional clinical studies.
until then, enjoy the writer's strike.

I forget

what I was going to write, but here goes.
I had a dream where I lived in the southwest and I was going to put my leftover carved pumpkins in this large wash on the hilside and it was gonna be cool b/c the flesh would rot out leaving the collapsed orange skin. I went to drop ~50 jack-o-lanterns off and spread them out, and on the way down I saw this tarantula. I have seen it in dreams before, it is the child of a tarantula i had as a pet that had a pink spot on it's back. This one had a yellow spot on its back.
I came back the next day and the yellow spotted tarantula had multiplied and there were tons of them, i thought b/c they'd had all those pumpkins to eat. Anyway they started swarming and chasing me all of a sudden and I ran into the corner of the patch to lure them into a clump, and then ran around them to get back down and ran the rest of the way home.

It frosted last night and I've been working to stay warm. I'm looking forward to thanksgiving though I'll have to drive quite a ways. It's been nice to hear from everyone recently.
I didn't get around to hanging my bat houses this weekend. Oh well.
I got my new computer charger (Yay!) and got my computer to work on the internet at mom's house (Yay!) so that is excellent.
Still enjoying the yoga video I rented from the library.
Finally getting pretty busy at work (backed up on paperwork, that means I'm actually doing stuff!!!)
I'm sure the novelty of having too much paperwork will end soon.

Oh, and my dad is an idiot. We had lunch with someone I work with who is his friend, I warn him beforehand not to do anything stupid or repeat things I've said about work, and the first thing he says is "OMG, you have to see the videos of her boss, they're CRAZY!!!" which first of all, aren't crazy, and second of all, WHAT THE F*&^%?!?!?
anyway it is not a huge deal but GEEZ give me a break. Man can't even hold it together when you ASK him too. Anyway he felt sorta bad about it. So that's good.

So I don't remember if I said but the Darjeeling Limited is good and you should go see it.
That is all, I have a full schedule today!

"Voting", or

TAKE THAT ESTABLISHMENT! I'M GONNA WORK WITHIN THE SYSTEM TO ENACT CHANGE, BOOYAH!

So, I voted. and it was badass. I even walked to the poll uphill both ways in the dark just to rub it in.
I did yoga last night and that was fun.
April says bats hibernate... so I guess we'll work on getting those houses up soon! She also has a craft fair coming up that I plan on going to-- I actually wrote it in my planbook! Yay social interaction!
Speaking of social interaction, I realized while walking uphill both ways inthe dark to the poll that I have been producing imaginary friends. Yes. I realize this is probably not a surprise to most of you, and you assume this is normal, but actually, it has intensified!
Anyway, it's not 'imaginary' because it's you guys... some actual situational examples follow.
1--------\
situation> ::awkward situation at work::
hallucination> ::Karine laughs in a barely stifled manner over my shoulder:: and says "Meredith, that was gold" or something like that.
situation> I then smirk and leave co-workers even more confused
2-------/
situation> I smell woodsmoke
hallucination> everyone (sp. Katherine) in mocking near unison "like, omg, is that woodsmoke???" followed by dramatic air sniffing.
3-------/
situation> I bring some disgusting amalgamation of leftovers for lunch, in the actual example I am thinking of it was: fake crab sticks, green beans, and red pepper fritata bits in tomato soup 'sauce'.
hallucination> Claire's delicately acted yet brutally honest "just a taste" ritual


ps i was talking to mom on the phone while she was driving home, and apparently she missed her exit. She may be half an hour out of her way now, haha. That's what she gets for talking to me, it's just so engrossing.

A few things

First, the gross negligence continues, as I'm sure you've noticed. I haven't even checked my email in a week, and I have lost sight of the non-working work in a big way.
I do have a few interesting things to report.
I had a dream about teleconferencing with Anthony Bourdain, it was funny
I carved a wonderful Dia de los Muertos pumpkin. I will attempt to embed a picture.
![!this is where it's supposed to go if I get around to it!]

I dressed up and handed out candy, an overall enjoyable but cold experience.
I finished the two bat houses I'd started a while back this weekend. They'll air out in the basement or barn until we put them up this spring. Does anyone know if bats hibernate or migrate? I am guessing migrate and I am even too lazy to look it iup on wikipedia.
I FINALLY ordered a new charger for my computer, which I suspect will improve my quality of life, along with cleaning my room which I have begun thank god.
I am also really isolated socially and need to organize some sort of get-together. I am beginning to feel something along the lines of parental-soul-sucking, but a less cliche version. More related to self-esteem and ... well it's too boring to articulate really.
And if you still haven't gotten your Halloween cards yet, it's because I haven't sent them. Sorry :/ I will eventually. don't want to jinx it with "soon".
Current listening is Guero and Aimee Mann. After a long departure and subsequent re-acquainting review of my music selection, it seems I am stuck in the mid-to-late nineties. Could be worse I suppose. And I am fortunately not hell bent on that one pass I made that would have changed the course of my entire life, a-la Napoleon Dynamite.
Time change is some trippy shit, yo.
Oh, and privately email me for a youtube video of my boss. You won't believe it if I tell you, so you'll have to watch yourself.

Hello

I'm glad to have some time to myself today to write a little.
I was walking to my car after work today and thought "my, this is a perfect day to light a fire" before realizing a-la Dorothy that I"m not in Charlottesville anymore.
Mom's at the Tech game right now, enjoying herself I'm sure. I had to stop listening to the game b/c of The Office of course, so I don't know what the score is right now.
I'm enjoying my job for the most part, I can't imagine how I'm going to deal with having a full workload though as mine is currently 1/5 what it's going to be. I have only had a handfull of meetings with clients but I am hooked. It's really an amazing thing to be able to work with such interesting people and to be in a position where they feel comfortable talking to you. It really is a priveledge.
I got some cider and ginger ale today, held off on the whiskey. It's delicious.
I am also thinking of making some cookies... I wonder if I could get them done in half an hour. It's just a baking kind of night.
Or I could just pass out in bed, which is more likely at this point.

settling in

to my routine still, slowly coming out of limbo and gradually starting my 'real' job as I acquire clients. I'm actually looking forward to the cold of winter now. It will give me something to fight against, or to surrender to some times. Things are splintering, people are leaving, it's just a time of speed I think. Acceleration after years of being held back on the steps. Eventually everyone will come together again on the turn...I just hope some of them are the same people I started out with.
So I'm realizing that it's difficult to make friends when you're not placed with 20 other people your age (and often your general intelligence/motivation bracket) for a minimum of six hours a day. Your new co-workers may also be 'breeders', consumed with the life or lives of their children. Therefore, you may feel you have no way to relate to them, and that consequently all your conversation furtherers come off as self absorbed.
"Sorry I'm late, my son just took forever to get ready. I mean, I had to prompt him every step of the way, 'getyour backpack, tie your shoes'"
"Yeah... I did that to my mom also. I remember this time when she started a motivational behavior chart for me using m&ms as incentive... it didn't work til they realized I had never had them before, and didn't like them"
etc. etc.
eh, anyway. I have to get to bed so I'll be rested for tomorrow. ::evil glare towards Nithya and all other federal govt workers::
ps I swear to gawd that if we actually ahve monday off I do not KNOW what I will do but it will be XTREME.
<3 M

Hello Everyone

Hi, I'm just taking this blissfully uninterrupted moment to write a note saying 'hi' and 'i'm not dead or anything'.
To comment on a few things before I forget:
YES the office was awesome.
OMG i have been thinking every night about 'what I have to do tonight before I go back to get ready for work tomorrow' EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING. I realized very belatedly this was something I have termed "Homework Conditioning", a disorder not unlike mental carpal tunnel which causes one to worry incessantly if there is no homework to be done because of a lifetime of repeated homeworkings.
Unfortunately, I don't know where the heck my time GOES after five... I suspect a vortex sucking the fabric of space into the drain in my basement. Nothing has convinced me of an alternative explantation, so I'm going with that.
Anyway, I really like my job. I am (knock on wood) relatively stress free, but I STILL don't 'have any people' yet, and I keep reminding myself regardless of the 'reason' or randomness behind this, I should use this free time to the fullest to get to know resources and people and become comfortable in my environment. So I'm not torn up about it.
I'm enjoying the environment-- because learning is encouraged and neccesary. It seems like the 'how to deal with people' stuff is kindof trial-by-fire... which is mildly disconcerting to me. Although It's not like counseling where there are different kinds of constraints... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a JOB to do with these people, an objective that's very concrete, EX: help them get into housing. Because of course it's not like there can't be or shouldn't be goals in therapy, they're just more like "feel better, process X, acknowledge Y problem". Anyway, I think I've made my general point.
I am still wary of joking around with the staff... which, frankly, tends to share my sense of humor. I just am not to the point where I can say something terribly sarcastic... Whenever I play it out in my head I realize if they don't get it, things could go badly. So... babysteps.
I am thinking about everybody-- I have started like five letters-- I rented a Yoga video from the library that I haven't gotten to yet. I may do some tonight since mowing didn't make me as tired as I anticipated. I am taking the stairs at work, which I enjoy and is not overly tiring. Most people do not, and so it makes me feel kinda badass.
Currently, mom is driving home from school after which we are going to taco bell, which I have had a craving for all week (PMS or ovulation or something.. it's weird). I am going to get two cheezy bean and rice burritos... makes me remember those late night runs in Cville. ::sigh::.
I went to the Henry Street

New Office

this thursday... i'm also very psyched.
And that's about it because my life is boring.
Thinking of you all.
<3 M

And...

did I mention I'm getting business cards???
yay

Job

Haven't been updating: know you know it's b/c i started work though.
Work is going well, let me just say that PAPERWORK will be a large component of my workload. The vast maj. of clients are on Medicaid, and that is the only gov't aid organization, or any org. for that matter, that we can bill for case management services. So everything has to be well-documented and above board-- which frankly doesn't bother me as much as it would someone who didn't think that was neccesary in the first place. Good documentation is, I think, very important in any case because: of continuity of care, in the case of my absence someone else has to see my client & therefore look at my records, an emergency when I am not available to consult in the ER, etc. So that paper trail helps basically everybody, including me, to organize my thoughts and compare behavior etc across time.
Anyway there is shitloads of other paperwork involved, and tons of resources I will have to familiarize with... and this structural stuff is all basic job technicalities that I will have to learn before I "develop my own style" working with clients, etc. Which I basically translate as 'learn how to deal with people in a somewhat constructive manner'.
Whatever. this is supposed to be justa short update-- I *have* been very busy/relatively tired... I have myself on a super-sleeping schedule of 9hrs/night, which leaves me with 5:30-9:30 to do stuff... it is a stretch only having those four hours after basically having all my time to myself. Chores and making dinner and going on the family-mandated walk basically take up all that time.
Anyway this coming weekend will be less busy... apparently dad is going up to NOVA before I can leave b/c he is on vacation this week (he basically said 'sorry, i'm outta here'), and after last weekend being nonstop I think I will have to take some time to catch up (sorry Rachele- although I guess we never finalized anyway... rain check though.)
Catching up includes past-due correspondence.
Best,
Mer.

First Day

Well, my parents told me I'd be bored, and I was... It was just orientation so I filled out a bunch of paperwork and took even more home. Not going to start on it now though.
I got back early, around 3:30. I wasn't able to find out what time I was supposed to show up tomorrow though... so HR gave me a 'general idea'. Ugh. Well I think it was eight thirty, so I'll get there at eight fifteen. But seriously, who wants to be late on the first day? Anyway, I need to pick a good outfit and make sure I have everything I need. So many things to remember! we were innundated with information. I tried to tune into the things I thought were important.
Something I did learn though: I don't get holidays off. I have to use my PTO for them, which really sucks. I also have to use PTO for sickdays, and only after I have used all my vacation do I get to use medical leave or other benefits.
Apparently that's how Dad's works and a lot of other people's, too. Time off does not, however, expire at the end of the year but carries over so you could end up stockpiling a bunch of days.
Ah, whatever. not worth thinking about now, I can't use any days for a good while anyway.
But, of course my weekends are still free (yay!) as well as evenings, which is pretty awesome. I feel positive about work tomorrow and am not that worried at this point, esp. since things calmed down significantly for me after I got some sleep last night. Bring it on!

Vacation

I had an awesome time in DC with Rachele and back in town with all the girls from the house. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.
I'm now really, really tired and have a few things to clean up here tonight before I head to mom's and go to bed early before my FIRST DAY OF WORK!!! which is really just orientation but... you know. It counts.
Looking forward to seeing the girls more, I hope-- weekend excursions are fun.
Also looking forward to a regular schedule kindof... it will be interesting to see how it all works.
Eh, I need to pick up and go downstairs... and get my stuff for work together. uf. I think my goal is going to be to get it done quickly as possible, otherwise it won't get done at all.
have a good week, all!

Push

So it looks like my weekend is finally shaping up. I didn't get to everyone I wanted to though. I will be doing more visiting on weekends though. Tomorrow I am going to try to finish all this weird job stuff that I have to do for Monday, all the boring paperwork you know. Some of my personal documents are in a safe deposit box though, that I may need my mom to get into. It's all such an annoying set of hoops you have to jump through. Silly government. Anyway it should be OK I just home my mom doesn't get all angry (at me) if we have to go open it.
Other stuff I am doing includes helping grandma's friend with a hopefully small computer problem, probably driving to NOVA, freezing the chickpeas I cooked, eating the leftover watermelon, doing menial shopping tasks, FINDING MY PASSPORT AND SS CARD and hoping that having proof that I don't have TB from the past year isn't required.
Today, I: went to Big Lots and got stuff for lunches, took work clothes and other things to Mom's house, started cleaning my room and subsequently getting overwhelmed, feeding/coddling the cats, dropping off my letter of acceptance, obsessively checking email and otherwise arranging my weekend (phew).
Now, I will attempt to sleep, although I have my doubts as to whether I will be successful.

Late Summer

So I have not written lately because I have been running around with the fam and thoroughly enjoying this cooler, late summer weather we've been having. It is so beautiful around here now and the fields have that delicious fresh-hay and goldenrod scent, the frilly purple grass seed as a backdrop for the yellow goldenrod spikes. The pokeberries are also getting to be quite colorful. It's prime porch-sittin' weather. I went to Poplar Forest with Mom on Labour day, and on an outing on the parkway with Grandma Tuesday afternoon. Also on Tuesday I had some of the worst cramps on record, with the internet recommended "post-operative" dose of aleve barely denting the pain, which was only stopped with extra-strength tylenol on top of it.

Tomorrow I am going to begin making bat houses. That means it is now time for my report on bats. Bats are awesome for many reasons. First, they are cute and fuzzy, especially the little brown ones that live around here. Second, they eat TONS of bugs. How awesome is natural pest control? Third, they come in 'family' and 'bachelor' varieties. The bat house plans I was reading said that larger boxes with multiple sized 'slots' for the bats to hang in are occupied by breeding bats, which like to live in warmer spots. Bachelor bats like to live in smaller, one-slot boxes in cooler roosts. How awesome is that?
I am going to mark the wood and texture it (and perhaps get some screen to cover the wood with for the bats to hang onto) as they need a good foot (claw? nail?) hold to climb up in the box and stuff. All of the plans have a little hang-down 'landing pad' for them, so cute!
We know there are bats around because they have been known to roost in the garage if they get lost, and you can see them flying between the barn and the house. One time the cousins found one sleeping in dad's nasty shinguard that was hanging from a doorknob to dry. It wasn't too happy when we woke it up (it was around noon). It made hissing noises and then sonar chirps as it flew around the garage in circles. Way cool! Anyway, I'm guessing it was a 'bachelor bat' since it was alone. I am excited about the possibility of having more of them around!
I also have woodpecker house and bluebird house plans, both of which live around here. If I have extra time I will draw them out on the scrap wood as well.



On my newsfeed today.

Tim Burton in ~*romantic*~ Venice

Mental Health and South India, (not so romantic)

Mental Health in Developing Countries in General

Maybe *This* is why I'm so ADD:
(on food additives causing hyperactivity)

Hair bands

there is a reason they call them that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Europe_the_band_1986.jpg
I made this radio station on Pandora based on 'the WAND' by Flaming lips and it turns out to be a mix of new bands along the lines of Hot Chip, Apostle of Hustle, and The Webb Brothers--- with comically bad 80s rock. Not sure where the latter is coming from, but it is indeed hilarious punctuation for all the emo stuff.

in other news, I had a dream last night that I was in Paris, talking to a store/brasserie owner as they were closing, and he was letting me sample all these fancy cheeses. He had taken a liking to me and gave me a bunch of samples to take with me "I don't do this for everybody, you know" he said, I was pleased.
Later, I was working prep for an attractive english TA of mine (I think he was supposed to be my ENWR guy but def. was not him...) who I had learned that in addition to liking soccer, worked as a professional chef for a time, and other amazingly-attractive-to-me things. I was sidling up to him at the stainless sinks, watching him peel vegetables under running water... needles to say, in the parlance of Karine, I was totally about to cream my pants. (maybe I will change that later, but it sounded hilariously appropriate just now.) Anyway, in the dream, someone walked up to us, interrupting the close moment; while in real life I woke up as I 'rolled over' to see who it was.
Sigh, all good things come to an end.

I am sick of trying to come up with witty titles.

So I will fill in yesterday's gap. I had a shitty day during which it took me forever to get out of the house, and then my car broke down on the way to the mall. I got it fixed an it's back in the driveway now.
The neighbors are putting their dog down tonight, which is really overdue, poor thing has been in pain and such for a while. They are very sad, I think I'll make some brownies and take them over later.
They're going to bury Lori in the back yard using our tractor. Apparently it wouldn't start so grandma just went over to help. It will be nice for my cousin to be able to visit her.
I went shopping for like ever yesterday, getting a wardrobe together. I did find some nice stuff. I am beginning to get worried though because I haven't heard from my future employer at all yet, no papers to sign and no email as was promised... this of course allows the paranoid part of me to run wild. Plus the event in NOVA that I thought was this week is actually at the end of September, silly me. I still think I might head up that way though Nithya will not be around until next weekend, because I may need those days to prepare, although how I don't know. I did some research for mental health case management and might go back and use the 'ol college library to read up and hopefully make myself less nervous.
OK this is boring even me right now. I hope to have some weekend plans solidified soon, I will see about staying with my cousins up there, and maybe with LE or Katherine. I guess that means 'more later'.

Moving on

So, time to get down to business. Tomorrow I shop massive one-day-only sales for work clothes, shoes, jewelry. I await important paperwork to sign regarding acceptance of my position. It smells like popcorn in my room right now, for some unknown reason. I am planning to get all my requisite job stuff out of the way, find some good reading materials on Case Management and what the hell I'm going to be doing so I'm not so scared, deep deep in my bones, and then cut loose on the surrounding area for a week or so, sunning and reading said materials. Time to get in my kicks while I can, says me. If you're available, chances are I'll be able to fit you in my itinerary.
School-time disorientation is starting to hit, along with the realization that I will be preforming actual, complicated and challenging work again... Like back in High School or in my full-time waitressing days. Things I remember from the times of constant toil: being tired, really tired; potential for burnout; and the fact that I never WAS doing any of those things for more than 9 months at a stretch. (and yes it really was nine months at a stretch with hardly any vacation... April & those of you who were in HS with me can vouch for that.)
Last night I had a dream where I went on an arduous trek across a dangerous and varied foreign land-- with a kitten and a cat. At one point the kitten looked exhausted and I realized 'omg it's so small, I bet it still needs it's mother's milk!' who was of course not around. So I found the lid of what was formerly a jug of milk, with a teaspoon or so left in it, and fed the kitten who lapped it up ravenously. I hoped and thought it would be just enough to get us to the next outpost where I would be able to get her some more of her proper food. Then I woke up to blaring classical music radio.
Exciting, I know.

isn't it strange how something (or someone) that was once so familiar, so comforting, that made you happy, that was so ingrained into your life you didn't even have to try to think about it, can get lost, and then one day you just turn around, and it's completely foreign to you...

I would be completely happy right now, back in College, going to the BBQ before the first home game, then spending the rest of the day visiting, listening to music, and working in my pajamas.

If all goes well

I will accept that job tomorrow, and start sometime in the not-too-close, not-too-distant future. I'm getting nervous. I hear they start you out slow though, so I'm looking forward to learning.
Hope nothing falls through, though I can't imagine what would.

Oh, My.

I never *did* like this guy...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6961603.stm
or his movies. good riddance.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

TWO JOB OFFERS IN ONE DAY, TAKE THAT ESTABLISHMENT!!!
So apparently my wonderful references came through, and my jovial countenance has won over the masses!!!
OK, maybe not the second part, but YES!!!! I am still letting it sink in, I just spoke to her on the phone ten minutes ago. I didn't say yes to the job I want yet (a case manager for individuals with severe mental illness) but I fully expect to soon, latest Monday. Pay of 13~~/hr isn't awesomest ever, but I would be living with the 'rents... and able to save for both college and India excursions. Plus, it's nine to five, M-F... unlike the other job I was offered (rotating schedule, nights and weekends, 8~~/hr).
Anyway, the pay for this job I want is apparently the highest of any I've applied to~ I *could* even move out if I wanted, which I don't really... better to stay til things get soured and then fly the coop, having saved a shitload along the way.
Ok I think I'm getting repetitive, and my level of nervous excited energy can only be quelled by that oft-dreaded task, room cleaning. I might even vaccum!
As if to cap off the relief I feel, a thunderstorm is brewing. Yay!

Thanks guys!

My interview went really well. I hope my references and such come through for me.
Since things are looking relatively up, I decided to reward myself and stopped by the library to check out "Kitchen Confidential". It's deliciously irreverent and I've laughed out loud multiple times. It started a little slow but it definitely picked up - I'm now at the point where he's catering parties packed with cocaine and rich coastal barons. Exciting stuff.
Well, just an hour ago I was packed with anticipation, and now I don't have nearly as much to say as I thought I did. Tomorrow night I'll be fixing dinner- a big New Mexican one. Looking forward to all aspects, including prep. Generally feeling upbeat about life and stuff.
About college starting up... yeah I'm rather in shock about it all still. I feel replaced, but not only that, I feel betrayed by some kind of post-collegiate myth of premature affluence, parties, and a date-swapping social life. I mean, I'm bored. And I don't even really know how to begin to emotionally/consciously address the loss of the one constant in my life so far: school. So I guess I won't push it.
one last note i suppose,
tonight: christiane amanpour and the relatively exploitative (but seemingly improving as it goes on) series 'God's Warriors" has a two hour segment on 'Christian Warriors', which should prove interesting. Jewish segment was old news to me, I learned a significant amount last night on 'Muslim Warriors', so we'll see how this one stacks up.
I've also rediscovered the joys of Stewart and Colbert. And it was a good time to rediscover, since last nights (read today's reruns) guests were O'Bama and the Virgin Atlantic guy, respectively. There is also a new 'actually in Iraq' segment on the daily show that is good, and I thouroughly enjoyed another installment of the long-missed (by me) "formidable opponent". Truly, "he's a dashing man his name is Stephen".

Preparing

for a day of preparing for an interview. Hoping things go well, both on the prep front tomorrow and in the interview Thurs.
In the meantime, trying to relax. Have the place to myself, and except for taking care of the neighbor's dog, have no set schedule.
Ah, well I also have a stressful call to make to HR (probably hearing whether or not I got another position; and that possibly indicating the quality of my references...) but that likely won't require any kind of effort on my part beyond listening to what's said and replying with a nebulous 'well I'd like some time to consider the offer" or "ah, well I'm sorry things didn't work out but I hope to be in touch sometime soon regarding another position" etc. So hopefully that will be ok.
After this next interview I am going to take some time off to regroup, esp. since there aren't any advertised jobs I'm interested in currently.
Regarding rejection, I always remembered what my high school poetry/english teacher told me. He said that when he was trying to get his first book published, it was the three foot high stack of rejection letters that kept him going.
And compared to his timetable, I'm doing OK-- three years versus three months doesn't seem too bad. I am to the point though where I don't want to work again. But this is the kind of thing I could get excited about, so I'll find the spark again before Thursday, I think.
OK< OK! enough .
time for some midnight meditation.

update

So, I got a call and I didn't get the job I was hoping for, but I was invited back for another interview for a similar position with the same organization. It's a 'relaxed' panel format, whatever the heck relaxed interviewing (with a bunch of future co-workers picking your brain) is. Anyway, I've resolved to try to be positive about it, and I know and like at least the one woman who invited me back, so hopefully things will go smoothly. I'll also be able to better prepare for this, since I have already applied for and gone through the final interview for an extremely similar position. (Basically I will have to pull out the DSM and research common medications and side effects. And everyone in college thought I was being unnecessarily weird when I brought out the DSM IV TR for some 'light reading', turns out it WAS good for me. Kindof. Indirectly after the fact.)
Anyway, now I have something to ruminate about for the next couple days. Plus one of my cousins is going to be staying at the house tomorrow, and he's apparently turning into a wannabe longhaired vegetarian... Much to his parents' chagrin. I think we used to call that a "hippie" back in the day, though I'm not sure he would appreciate the full set of cultural implications.
Hope things are going elsewhere in the world. Thinking about those poor souls in Peru and Yucatan. Tragedy bears down upon us incessantly. Life is damage control.

"The trick is not minding it hurts"

Just finished Lawrence of Arabia, which is great, as it has been each time I've seen it~ going to write a lot of letters tomorrow.
Had pavlova and bakery sweets for respective dinner dessert and the always rare lunch dessert. An altogether relaxing day.

Undisclosed location:

The theme of my next non-party. Of course Inspired by Karl Rove's departure, and the impending departure of Tony Snow and then the entire administration.
Yeah, I know Cheney is the one who's always hiding, but the way I figure it, Rove & co have so many democratic hitmen after them, after 2008, they'll be permanently unavailable.
Of course, the main feature of this party would be it's non-location. We'd first gather at someone's disclosed location, and then determine an 'alternate, undisclosed location' and immediately move there without telling anyone. Preferably in large, black, unmarked SUVs.
I was thinking the participants could make up a list of possibilities, and then go through them enie-menie-mo style while watching, say, CNN, and when a member of the administration comes on, we'll stop and go to that 'undisclosed' location. Which of course would involve the shredding/burning of that document.
Activities might include (but are not limited to):
-shooting caged animals but still missing horribly (aka darts)
-evil laughter
-pretend perjury
-leaking classified information (aka gossiping)
-reinstating 'line item veto' powers (MASH)
-avoiding press conferences (selecting one party member as the 'press secretary' who would communicate with all other people who (annoyingly) might have to know some stuff, ie waiters, bartenders, etc-- under only the direst of circumstances would anyone else speak to an outsider.)
-and a drinking game that would relate to the liberal media.
And somebody would get to play 'Bush' and DD all the soused staff. They would have the added perk of getting to say any bushisms they wanted though, without censor. ie strategery, newclear, etc.

Anyone have more ideas?

Yay

so, a two hour drive and a glass of wine later, I feel much better. Interviews went OK, no major F-ups but not great either. I need to work on not being so (apparently visibly) nervous. Doesn't help that I'm all PMS-ey either, I don't think.
Anyway, off to wach lawrence of arabia.
luvyas.

tired two-fer

So, I have two interviews tomorrow. I realized earlier today that I just do not want to do them! I have to drive a lot for them too, they are on opposite sides of the city. In total, I will be spending 8:30-4 or so driving and interviewing. Yuk. And I am too wired/unprepared to sleep right now. On top of it, it's been calm and clear out all day, but beginning with a huge gust of wind out of nowhere, it appears to be thunderstorming somewhere very close.
Anyway, once I admitted how much I just didn't want to go, but really do have to and will, I felt a bit better. Mainly because that allowed me to consider that it will all be over tomorrow evening. And what better to wash down a day of humiliating one's self in front of superiors you've never even met than with three and a half hours of Peter O'Toole? (sp) Yes, I am planning to watch Lawrence of Arabia with my dad, after a delicious meal yet to be determined (but including the rest of the peach & blackberry sauce pavlova we had tonight). I also plan on pointing out all the racist bits, partly as a trip down anthropological memory lane, and partly just to annoy dad. I think we'll last at least thru first half (which is my favorite anyway, although I realize the second is important blah blah)
So: Moral is, it will all be over soon. Then I won't have to worry~ the weekend is here!
In other news my Hindi studies are progressing, and I wrote my first 'letters' today, which was fun and surprisingly easy. It does get a whole lot more complicated of course, but I'm enjoying it and that's what's important. I also rented "Chalo Hindi Bolay" from the library, a kid's movie which has got to be the lowest budget thing I've seen in a long time. Lots of bad filler, like Warhol-esque psychedelic splitscreen views of the flailing mascot-elephant that was featured on the cover.
Anyway, time for bed. Wish me luck (again)!

...like, really

I don't know about you, but I was confused. I mean, who is this "Jesus" guy that keeps popping up in purple spandex? Luckily found this helpful website:
http://www.whoisjesus-really.com/

"fight club"

OK Nithya (& co), so, I did a basic google search and came up with this site:
http://twitchfilm.net/archives/004962.html
which lists trailers for the Indian version of "Fight Club". Yes, it has singing, dancing, costume changes, and sweaty fighting men.
It also has a dance number featuring lyrics: "go go go go fight club, you gotta go, fight club, go go go go, fight club."
You need to check out the last two songs, links under the pic.
<3 M

on "No Reservations" and my immense contempt

So, in response to Rachele's comment, which made me quite happy because it totally proved how well she does know me, I will describe my reaction to seeing the advertisements for the film, which I will under no circumstances PAY to see.
OK so if you haven't seen the trailer, you can see it here:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/noreservations/
It has Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhardt, who was in "thank you for smoking" which I really enjoyed. In fact, I almost bought that film the other day because I found it packaged with "Sideways", another one those middle aged films I tend to enjoy. It was only 8~ something for both of them! but it was at Mall-Wart... Yeah. I thought "Why the hell is this indie, anti-establishment double-dose for sale at WAL MART?!? Oh, THAT must be why it's eight bucks..."

Anyway, now that you've viewed the trailer, (hint: do it now) you'll see that there are many reasons I might be interested in this film. A warmhearted story, hot food & sex combination, even a bald, male shrink! Now, immediately, is there anything you notice that might piss me off? OH, right. the TITLE. Blatantly stolen from Anthony Bourdain's TV show, "No Reservations". I hope to god they got royalties off that.

Beyond that, I doubt many of you are aware of another, 'similar' film. Allow me to present "Mostly Martha", a german film that was apparently POORLY marketed in the US, at least by the looks of this trailer.
http://www.paramountvantage.com/martha/martha_trailer_320x180.mov
Please ignore the horrid music and voiceover, which is NOT a component of the actual film. Notice any similarities?

Edit: OK, I just watched the trailer I linked, which is significantly longer than the ones I've seen, and makes it even more obvious that this movie is a total, apparently SCENE BY SCENE rip-off.

Perhaps the plot, appearance of actors, sets, and even scene by scene matchups, including the 'rare enough' steak presentation. I think it's clear even from the short clips given that the acting is far superior in Mostly Martha-- although the crappy trailer presentation for english audiences is something you may have to look past to see it. Even the steak scene is overplayed by Zeta-Jones, and she certainly doesn't capture half the neuroticism portrayed by the beautiful Martina Gedeck. And dont take my word for it, look at the reviews. Apparently it got panned. Check rotten tomatoes.

So, needless to say, I was suspicious when I saw the first trailer on TV for the 'reservations' film. I could tell from that shorter one that the basic plot was similar, and what burned me was not that it was possibly a remake, but that NO CREDIT or affiliation was given to the original, from which they had clearly stolen their ideas. Looking at their website, there is no indication that it is a remake. In only one of the reviews I have read did I see that it was a remake. Thankfully wikipedia has cited the original at the beginning ofo their article.
The second time I saw a trailer, it included the hysterical 'rare steak' scene. This time, I got out of my chair and yelled at the screen. Ripping off, BLATANTLY, one of my favorite movies AND giving absolutely NO indication or credit... yeah I was pissed.
I saw several reviews that included NO MENTION of a previous film, or indicating it wasn't in the least bit original, and that was probably because they DIDN'T KNOW because the distributor made NO ATTEMPT to give credit.
Finally last week I saw a review printed in the local paper that mentioned Mostly Martha in passing, but again I saw the trailer two days ago and could not help myself yelling at the TV.
So YES Rachele, I was pissed. I haven't felt this righteously pretentious in a long time.
No post tonight, so enjoy the rant.
Love yas,
-Mer

& the Ecstasy

I don't care what happened today, I just had a blissfully amazing Bourdain Experience. Sometimes an episode of No Reservations is just what you need to shift gears. When Anthony has a transcendent experience, I have a transcendent experience. When his cynicism softens, so does that near-constant lump in my throat. TV as therapy, spirituality, and entertainment- yay!
Let's see-- to answer some questions I'll expand a bit.
First, I don't have any current, concrete plans to go to India. Timetable: before age thirty. I don't want to go totally unprepared, although maybe that would even be better now that I think of it... but I'm no impulsive Claire, so I won't go through with that non-plan.
Brian, second up, really is an anti-climax... There is a meandering, drunken, and awkward if friendly history that doesn't involve groping or, to my recollection, even full-body hugging. Call me sometime and I'll tell you more if you're interested, but there isn't much to tell.
Hmm, otherwise, let's see. Again, I have been forgetting what seem like innumerable tidbits that I've mentally earmarked throughout the day to include here. Apologies for what you aren't hearing. It was good, I swear.
One thing; I have been meditating before I go to bed. Now, before you hardcore guys jump all over me, I know that this is a cardinal no-no. Meditation is supposed to be an alert state where one is fully aware of their surroundings (or so i hear), and going to sleep is what you are always trying to avoid. But, in class, they said that we should practice starting in whatever way was easiest for us, and lately I seem to have gotten relatively good (for me) at commanding relaxation from my body, if not mind, at this time in the day. This makes going to sleep easier and may or may not have contributed to some good dream recall as of late.
Anyway, going to try to carry over the episode high this night-- hopefully looking forward to a relaxing day tomorrow- and I know it will at least be one where I will get out of the house. No promises on a post tomorrow night, since I'll likely be at Mom's. Back afterwards though. She's getting ready for school and will be in super-frantic mode after she is officially 'back' Wednesday.
Man is it going to be trippy when everyone else goes back and I don't.

job anxiety

AAAAUGH my references aren't answering apparently... that's what happens with researchers I guess.

Nervous/lazy

hoping for a job offer tomorrow... not expecting one but really hoping.
Didn't do anything today, made a list of things to do tomorrow to keep me busy (and I will be) and then sat on the back porch and read the 100 or so odd page 'general intro' of "The Rough Guide to India." It was very fun to read, smooth going and informative. Lots of times travel books, while not poorly written, read more like lists or stiff descriptions. This guide seems to be more colloquial in tone and has a feeling of helpfulness because of that, and an attention to detail. That is so far, anyway. Haven't really gotten into the 'area' sections yet. Delhi is up first. I may skip ahead to Tamil Nadu next, which they are billing as an attractive area to visit.
It's getting me pumped up, I'd like to go during a festival for sure. Esp. Durga Puja or Diwali. And perhaps take yoga or meditation classes-- although some they described are more like boot camps than instruction. And I remembered a must that I might have overlooked, Ayurvedic medicine. Which includes massage, although that would not necessarily be a component. Any other local healing I would also of course have to partake of/in/whatever. Holi is also in a good time of year weatherwise it seems... although I could be remembering the chart wrong.
Sounds like it might be good to go with a 'husband' though to avoid annoying gawking men... you know, we're all white western whores apparently. Traveling alone, what were we thinking? Basically the book confirmed what Nithya was telling me. I mean, I'm still not necessarily afraid of being assaulted or anything, but I'd really rather not be groped or leered at or have random guys ask me 'how sex in america is'.
Maybe I'll enlist someone who wouldn't be afraid to get in a barfight over me, say... Brian. He's impulsive enough to scare off even the most belligerent twentysomething train traveler. Which amusingly reminds me, I had a dream about making out with him last night. It was hot in the dream-- but it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. haha.
and on THAT somewhat creepy note, time to make some more dreams. 'Night.

Jealous

"I am not one of those weak-spirited, sappy Americans who want to be liked by all the people around them.I don’t care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it. My affections, being concentrated over a few people, are not spread all over Hell in a vile attempt to placate sulky, worthless shits."

-William S. Burroughs, or so says WikiQuote

Death

So, this past week Grandma has been watching our aunt's dog next door. Lori is very old and arthritic, and her body is basically riddled with cancerous lumps. She's survived a very long time since she was diagnosed. We've been letting her inside a lot since it has been so very hot around here. Still, her breathing last night and this morning was very labored, and she refused to eat or get up. So we took her to the vet, and found that the lymphoma has spread to her lungs, which are just totally full of a clouded, speckled mass on the X=ray. Poor dog. Anyway, they got back today, and she's on prednisone which hopefully will help her breathe. But soon, and sooner if the medicine doesn't work, she'll be in too much pain and they'll put her down.
So I got to wondering about all this, and how it would effect my cousin. She's been the family pet since before he was born, and in recent years he's gotten really into animals~ even talking about becoming a vegetarian. And growing his hair long. But his mom is skeptical about that one. I was thinking about what I would tell him if I were his parent. Well, I really didn't have to think, I would say something like "Well, Lori is going to die. Everything, everyone dies." and then I'd have to make a judgement call about adding "even we'll die, you and I" although I probably would at some point. That's just how it works, and maybe it's not worth even considering whether it's fair or unfair or not. Or if there is a reason or afterlife.
Anyway, in an uncharachtaristic turn of positive thinking, I first started to imagine and 'talk' to him about how eventually even the earth will be destroyed, the sun, quite possibly the universe as we know it (who knows, right?) But that all begs the question, Why the heck is there anything here in the first place? I mean it seems much more probable that there woudl be absolutely nothing in existence... no space no nothing. Why the hell is there anything at all? So then I thought, that it was pretty cool. Athiest' sense of wonder, I suppose. Sometimes things just click, even if they're not original or even new to you, they just seem that way. It was nice.
Also burned some nice incense tonight on the back porch. The squishy stick kind, and some sortof-nag-champa. And a delicious dinner of fresh tomatoes, fancy cheeses, french batard and my homemade fried okra with green chili powder seasoning.
More dreams of the same feel as last two nights, although I got woken up abruptly this morning to care for the dog & go to the vet, so I don't remember them.
I've also been appreciating increased contact with friends, which seems to have picked up for no particular reason, which is really kindof nice.
I'm hoping the peaches will be ripe to make pavlova tomorrow, and that things begin settling around here. I think they've alredy started.

Trains

Dreamed about trains last night. Found online scrabble and can't stop. Well, I just did-- but sleep is kindof necessary I guess. No big plans this weekend. the usual I guess. I hope to hear about my one job Monday, ::crossing my fingers::.
I know there was more I wanted to say but I have been trying to remember since dinner and can't. Oh well. next time.
-M

Nostalgia

Scrabble, Claire & Karine, All the gang that I haven't seen in much too much too long.
AND I am missing the adults in my life. My mom, had a dream about the infamous bald Jewish K. last night, which included both my parents. I wish I remembered more, but I do recall there was something of a group hug at the end. How cliche.
Anyway, I spent much of today preparing/sending a package to Claire, which I hope she gets. I also collected some things to send Karine, but as I did with Claire, I think I'll wait a bit til she's settled in. Also have an urge to write... poems and such~~ it's been a while.

Hope everybody is doing ok. drop me a line.

Spitting

Y'know how sometimes jealousy just sneaks up and stabs you? Well I do not get seriously jealous very often, usually just good ol' pining. But sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and smacks you. Better I recognize it for what it is though, rather than just assume I'm pissed for no reason or something.
Questions of possession or being possessed, wanting or maybe more accurately being wanted.
I am rather silly. good to laugh at onesself, I suppose.
Let's see... a productive day. Hoping to have a good one tomorrow as well. Going to finish filling a package for Claire, and write a letter to Karine.
Exciting things today included paying bills, burning food in the oven, burning incense in a weird squishy stick form that I highly suspect contains animal dung of some sort, getting a wasp up my skirt (kindof like a bee in my bonnet, but rather more drastic), finding some nice inexpensive clothing in a closing store,
Tomorrow: I'll look the shop tomorrow & likely buy at least something while I wait for photos to develop next door. Also, first pavlova all year will be made. Peaches & blackberry sauce (we just found some leftover sauce this evening.) Perhaps an application for LE's neck of the woods. Minimal outdoor work, but I need to check on the string beans at least. Near record temps again, ugh. Oh, and making eggplant parmigiana for dinner, with tabbuleh as a side. Tomatoes are finally in, and I'm rolling in 'em. Now, when I say they're in, I don't mean OUR tomatoes, but rather everyone elses, so... we have plenty. Same with cukes.
Augh, anyway... I know I'm forgetting something interesting but I just can't think of it. Been one of those days of self-doubt I guess. It'll pass. Just like that gallstone of yours. But not without excruciating pain. Yay!
'night y'all.

More job stuff

Another day, another drive, another interview.
It went OK, but only OK.

In other news, had a delicious 'lunch' of frozen peanut-butter/chocolate custard, which was really chocolate with chunks of peanuts in it. yum!
It also appears that I actually HAVE lost a little weight, as I have worn a black skirt that I bought for interviewing the last two days, which used to be a bit tight but is now comfy.
Also drove some back roads today with my Miles Davis tape in the car, thoroughly enjoyable time. I'm a bit burnt out on my Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan tape though. It's really good but I listened to it nonstop, almost eight hours or more so... time to let it rest a bit. I also got some incense so maybe I'll burn that tomorrow, since it looks like I'll have some time to myself for a while. I feel like I've been going nonstop for a while now. Not breakneck speed, but no time to do chores like clean my room. Hopefully that will get done tomorrow along with the applications I'm doing and other chores that have fallen by the wayside.
Right now I'm listening to the "whatever" nineties mix and it's pretty awesome. "you gotta be" bad, bold, wiser... just came on shuffle and it brought me back.
Oh God, are we that old that things 'bring us back' to another time? Soon there will be Vanilla Ice and Hansen on late-nite TV pedaling a compilation of 'greatest hits'... well, there already is one, that's what I'm listening to. All is lost.

Hey, at least I didn't pay shipping.

"oh God, hallelujah"

So, you know how I'm always saying that Jerry Fallwell and Pat Robertson are (well, were at this point) lovers? Wild evangelical lovers, that is. Apparently I wasn't the only one with that suspicion.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DAj9xnfDQa8

Nithya sent it to me. :d dalishusly true.

In other news, my interview today went really well, turns out it would pay better than I anticipated. I hope *hope* my references and stuff check out and I can get the job. Anyway...
Another interview tomorrow if not and yet another interview request. I don't know why everyone decided "yeah, we might not have looked at your application for a month, which might have caused you to apply like twenty places, but now we want you for an interview." all of a sudden. When it rains it pours I suppose.

In other news, thoroughly enjoyed my weekend, met some friend's boyfriends, felt momentarily nostalgic for manflesh until I realized I am really quite happy on my own. Because I really am, actually. :)

As long as I can watch evangelical cartoon porn, that is. That's some strong stuff.

Wish me luck!

sniff

This movie gets me every time:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112870/
oh Simran & Raj, hug once more for meeee.

Oooh, shiny!

so maybe now i can compete with Ben's profile pictures... not that I want to start an out-awesomeing war with him in the art dep't, because we all know he'd win.
::shout out:: right ladies?
"right"
anyway please visit blog-o-rifficness:
http://anonymousworks.blogspot.com/

I love those mask thingies. (ps if this description lets you know I only looked at the pictured and did not read at all, so be it.)

Yeah, yeah

So, I've been thinking. I know it's a lot of posts for one day, but I wanted to get this down even if it is overly self-indulgent. (that IS a warning, squeamish readers)
So I've been doing a lot of manual labour (too much time to think) and been listening to this tape of "New Dimensions" from like 1995 that I found in the basement that talks about Myth and 'following your bliss' and shit like that. Anyway so this guy read a poem " I am the rest between two notes" and talked about how human existence was like this because we are always searching and never finding answers, stuck between the question and answer, and when something IS answered (which rarely happens) it is answered with another question. And then I was reading about meditation and cyclic existence and suffering, and thinking about what I consider the inherent pain in life-- the pain that surfaces whenever you think about and consider something deeply-- perhaps being the pain of that cyclic existence (inevitable death/end etc) and how that is coupled with pleasure, since the fear of the end of something is proportional with the pleasure of that experience. For example, if, while eating the world's last peach, I pause and consider how delicious it is, I might start crying, because it is so tasty and it will soon be gone. So everything pleasurable is unpleasurable because of our desire for pleasure and the reality of it's eventual end, and we are left at any given moment as the rest between those two notes.
So the Buddhists would say we should just up and stop desiring things and all this will stop. Well, that's not so easy. And I'm sure that's not all there is to it. But at the very least that's probably not a very realistic goal for most of us. "stop liking peaches, dammit!" "uh, what?" "realize the pain they are causing you and stop liking them" "but they are so tasty."
yeah ok, I'm going to stop now.

ohm ah hum / om a ng

Where are they now?

http://www.cameronjohnson.com/index.htm

believe it or not, I knew this kid in high school. Biology and chemistry class.
To his credit, I didn't/don't hate him. Which is really something, considering I hated most of the people he hung out with. I think maybe all the money actually made him MORE down to earth. I guess it's a lot for a young kid to handle.
Anyway, night kiddos!

YAY!

going to NoVa Saturday! Let me know if you are around and we can meet up Sat/Sun. Staying with Nithya Sat. Night.
<3 M

SO

so I had a good time hanging out with the kitties, got a lot of busywork done, and have two more interviews for next week. I'm also hoping to visit friends this weekend ::fingers crossed:: so ANSWER MY MESSAGES please :D
Things are going otherwise well/slow... heavy outdoor chores have left me with zero weight loss but a killer farmer's tan (watch out, eligible bachelors). Speaking of eligible bachelors, apparently the untapped market of rural men entirely consists of, brace yourselves, young laborers and grandsons of the infamous "Ladies" aka "sexy sassies". Watch out, this eligible chica is coming to a trade show or county fair near you.
And your grandma promised me a date. So be prepared to buy the cotton candy.

Gardening is going... well... slowly. Still no tomatoes, no squash.. only dill really. And a pepper or two. I don't know what happened this year but it's definitely something I hope not to repeat.

In the realm of strange dreams, I had one the other night where I was living in this big spanish looking house/compound with an extended family, and there was a war between our side and another group, who had brighter colored uniforms. (in retrospect, hadn't they seen that movie about the alamo, where the Spaniards wore those tall hats with concentric circles on them as they climbed ladders to storm the compound? Didn't they ever do target practice? Or were they just super cocky...)
Anyway, bad films aside, at one point the enemy was mounting a huge raid at which we were all surely going to die, at which point I realized "Hell no! I don't have to go out there and get killed for no reason, why the heck was i fighting in the first place?!" and then I resolved to run in the opposite direction as soon as possible.
Quite sensible of dream-me, I thought.

'Guest' Post

Wanted to share, totally true and has a quote from my favorite man over 40, Anthony Bourdain <3<3<3

CHINA FOOD SCARE HAS TASTE OF RACISM
by Jeff Yang, Special to the Washington Post

The French delight in preparing food; the Italians adore eating it. But no people on Earth are so engrossed in food as the Chinese, for whom it is not just craft, pleasure and sustenance but the fundamental building block of society.In the West, acquaintances greet one another with "How are you?" The Chinese ask, "Have you eaten?" So for the Chinese, tainted food is more than a health hazard — it's a kind of sacrilege. As one Chinese shopper told National Public Radio, "People here think food is as important as the sky. If there's something wrong with the food, it's as if the sky is falling."Nevertheless, China has been portrayed as a nation blind to hygiene and blissfully unconcerned about recent reports of food contamination. That's troubling, because it reinforces the notion that befouled food is the consequence of a foul culture.
Chef and gustatory adventurer Anthony Bourdain may have said it best in a 2006 Salon interview in which he noted that there's "something kind of racist" about culinary xenophobia: "Fear of dirt is often indistinguishable from the fear of unnamed dirty people."And this, in turn, spells danger. What one might call "food libel" has long been an aspect of a larger fear of China. The association of Chinese with dubious edibles has insinuated itself into our cultural consciousness in seemingly trivial ways: in schoolyard taunting, in sitcom gags about takeout food, in standup monologues about puppy chow mein.But when the stakes are raised, as they have been by recent scandals, such jokes turn deadly serious. The fringes of the pundit set have already been intimating that these tainted-food incidents are deliberate. In May, the conservative news organ WorldNetDaily.com asked, "Is China Trying to Poison Americans and Their Pets?" The nativist drumbeat has since only pounded louder, suggesting that China has been waging a secret biowarfare campaign to destroy the United States from deep, deep within — planting WMDs in the Wal-Mart cart, if you will.Yellow-peril imagery has been oozing from the extreme margins into the mainstream. Recently, the Utah-based health food company Food for Health International even became the first to take this "China equals menace" meme to market, instituting a new label and ad campaign promoting its products as "China-Free." There's talk about calling the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing the B.Y.O. Olympics. The leading customer-advocacy blog Consumerist.com came up with a catchy nickname for the fiendish assault on American shoppers: "The Chinese Poison Train is still out there, lurking on a container ship headed our way," editor Carey Greenberg-Berger warns in one May post. "Nobody knows when it will strike again." You can imagine the silent-movie tableau: the fiendish Chinese Poison Train bearing down on the hapless American consumer, tied to the tracks by a nefarious evildoer with a Fu Manchu mustache.Of course, serious problems exist in China's massive food-export complex, which is the source of the vast bulk of additives such as xanthan gum and ascorbic acid, as well as 12 percent of the world's fruit and vegetables and about half of the global supply of farm-raised fish. But many of these problems have stemmed from China's embrace of capitalist ethics, unrestrained by the government oversight present in more established industrial economies.Ultimately, the reasons why Chinese goods make up such an enormous part of the U.S. shopping basket are the same as those behind our undocumented-immigration quandary: Companies want higher profits, and consumers want lower prices. If Chinese sources were stripped from the food-industry supply chain, corporations would simply turn to other low-cost exporters, with comparably poor safety records.FDA records show that China isn't even the leading source of contaminated imports to the United States. India and Mexico have exceeded China in "refused food shipments" during the past year, and the leader in rejected candy imports was a country with an otherwise antiseptic image: Denmark. Domestic food sources also aren't exempt from scandal: Remember the California spinach scare last year? And last month, another California-based company recalled more than 75,000 pounds of hamburger distributed in the western United States, the latest in a lengthy series of tainted-meat incidents — all from American suppliers.But the media's obsessive focus on China is an easy one — as easy as the old playground singsong slur that starts "Me Chinese, me make joke" and ends with a tainted Coke. Pointing the finger at Asian imports was the default PR strategy for U.S. auto manufacturers in the 1970s because it was easier to blame nameless foreigners than to address the industry's real problems.Asian-Americans have already seen the fruit that grows from such toxic soil: Twenty-five years ago last month, Vincent Chin, a young Chinese-American man in Detroit, was killed by two disgruntled autoworkers who accused him of being part of a conspiracy to "take away American jobs" before beating him with a baseball bat. Bitter fruit indeed, and a dish we'd rather not see served up again.

Dream 9?

In some sort of school environment, where a big-haired incredibly critical teacher was constantly evaluating everyone, and seemed to have an especially low opinion of me and my work. I never actually got really angry at him though, just a little annoyed when he started personally attacking my behavior in addition to my art, saying that since I always sat next to this one girl our work was a copy, but then I shot back something about no art being original but he just kept going.

Dr. Ralph Stanley

Just got back from Fiddlefest-- and Dr. Ralph Stanley! I can't believe how great it was. I hadn't totally thought about how awesome he is, and how I've wanted to see him perform live for years... so I was totally blown out of the water by his awesomeness and the whole experience. He did so many wonderful numbers-- two a cappella including 'O death" which was AMAZING of course; a fast version of 'Pretty Polly' where I was again really thrown by the emotional power in his voice he so judiciously uses, he is really such a great artist; another case of that was the 'wildflowers' song; there were quite a few good gospel numbers as well, and when he broke out the CLAWHAMMER on BANJO I couldn't help a squeal of delight. There were three generations of Stanleys on the stage- the youngest boy only 14, although he looks much older, at least high school if not more my age. It was just great. Ralph Stanley is just an all-round gentleman and I hope *hope hope* that I can get to see him again. Just to be that close to him was really quite awesome and I will not forget-- at least I hope not.
There was also free ice cream, great weather, beautiful scenery and good company. And lots of funny/cheezy bluegrass jokes, including a great one Ralph & associate told regarding the "climate" in Florida (I bet our fiddlin' Mary knows this one. I heard she got hired by a band, actually-- One might say she's outstanding artist in her chosen field. And they'd be right-- Cause that's where we found her, out standing in the hay field.)
I'm pleased as punch. Hope you had a great Saturday too.

Fests of many colors

I wish I were at Floydfest this weekend, camping with the hippies. Instead, I'll attend fiddlefest, with Ralph Stanley! Not a bad substitute. I also visited another local festival and went on a drive thru Jefferson Nat'l forest this morning. Lots of stuff going on this weekend :)
I've got some peaches, and look forward to them ripening in a couple days. I have an interview Monday, am going to feed the cats and pick up a few things in town before I head back this way. If I stop at Wal-Mart, I'll pick up some drink mix for Claire ( http://claire-rim.blogspot.com/ ) and a phone card for Africa to use for both her and Karine ( http://www.karine-in-uganda.blogspot.com/ ). Exciting!
Plus, it's nice to have my cellphone back.
OK I really have to get going. See yas!

Yay!

I have an interview! 12 noon on Monday. It's not for a job I really want, and it seems like the woman knows I am super overqualified and pretty much told me I would be bored. But she said something along the lines of 'well if you would like to come down we could talk and at the very least you could learn a little bit more about things' and I said "yes, I think that would be helpful" so I am looking forward to talking to her. It will be good to be able to pick her brain about things, although I basically am not going take the job at this time. She said I might be qualified for 'clinician' positions as well, which I thought was interesting and hadn't realized existed. Not that I know what that actually means. Anyway, progress is progress. And I now have a contact at a really nice mental hospital very close to my house that was previously rather off-limits in terms of the kinds of people they were looking for, so that would be good if I can at least talk to some people over there. It all sounds good to me. I'm also looking/applying in more varied areas at this point, mainly because there are opportunities open in satellite areas at this time. I need to look at some other local state agencies though. I basically just got started late on the ol' job search.
All in all, I am pleased, and looking forward to some recreation and oddjob catchup this weekend as a reward.
Oh, and to end things on an "Oh... tmi" note, don't you just hate it when your uterus sheds in huge chunks causing you incredible pain? yeah, me too.
<3

getting back in the groove

Back to my usual daily (nightly) post schedule. I had a productive day and applied to two more jobs, but unfortunately realized that in both my cover letters I said i was looking for "outpatient" instead of "inpatient" work.... eep. too late now. Hopefully it won't a)make me seem like a total idiot (it already has) b)make them think I was really looking for something outpatient and ignore my application all together. I should have just not attached a stupid cover letter anyway. Anyway, I did get two sent out and I have some more I can do tomorrow, including some research-oriented stuff.

I'm tired, not only from the trip north but because my cousins are staying here for a while to visit. They wore me out, but in a good way. I always like hanging out with them/playing videogames/looking at spiders/watching family guy and participating in all kinds of other youth-corrupting activity. I played pool, listened to stories, watched two consume 2/3 of a bag of double-stuff oreos in under five minutes, heard some awful piano, a bit of middle-school gossip, watched 'so you think you can dance' with one (guess after you've read the whole post), ran around, and all that good cousin stuff.

What I wish I didn't have to do but inevitably spend time doing: attempting to point out that it's not nice to call people you don't like gay/call people gay who are or seem gay, (as an insult)/using 'gay' in a generally insensitive manner. Let's not have a generation of KKK nuts intent on cleansing our sexuality. I wonder why these kids do it. I know in some of their cases it's because their parents are incredibly backwards idiots ::ahem, you don't know who you are, but everyone else does:: but I would have hoped that society would have broadened their horizons just a bit. Not to mention that one quite possibly gay cousin is surrounded by hardheaded bigots who are oblivious to his love of musical theater and 'harem' of 'girlfriends'.
I mean, he just bought a "Legally Blonde: the musical" cd from B&N. Wake up and smell the half-calf double latte with sugar sprinkles.
Anyway, in the interest of defending my future-likely-gay cousin/queer people everywhere, I am trying to step things up a bit in the "don't be a dumbass, kids" rhetoric category. I think it's confusing them more than anything at this point, which is OK. At least they get on some level that something isn't fitting quite right.

I also find myself correcting them about things like 'adults' do. Things like being messy while eating, too loud, etc... It makes me feel old fart-ish. But to my credit, not only am I older, but they are too, so I think a lot of my 'pointing things out' is kindof going along with me thinking they are too old to act a certain age. Although, now that I think of it, maybe I should be taking into account that phenomena where the collective IQ of a room of men drops each time another man enters... Three boys = roughly 1/3 the intelligence per each. I'll consider that next time I'm compelled to point something out.
Anyway, I went on about that longer than I meant to. I like my cousins and they are generally very nice when not acting uninformed regarding civility. We've had a good time. I am looking forward to hanging out with them again tomorrow.
see yas!

sorry y'all

OK, so I have heard from several people about not updating. I have to say that While i was visiting my Grandmother up north (just got back) not only did we not have internet at first, but when we fixed that, the entire computer crashed, so I was not even able to check my email while we were gone. Thankfully I didn't miss anything too important.
I was really looking forward to writing sarcastic entries, too!
Right now I am exhausted, but here is one poorly-written tidbit on manipulative gift-giving.

While in the bathroom, I heard mom exclaiming 'oh what a pretty bag" from the other room. I immediately cringed. Why? Because it her comment violated one of a series of rules I realized I've internalized regarding my grandmother. The rule she broke was "never express interest in anything that isn't nailed down." The reason? Constant pestering regarding your acceptance of said item. And not only was the bag not nailed down, but it was new, meaning it was as good as wrapped. My instinct was correct, because not a minute later, Grandma was trying to pawn it off on mom, who was indeed forced to accept it by the end of the trip.

....ok this makes no sense if you don't understand that everything my grandma does is designed to gain subtle power and control over others, particularly her offspring. Just read some Marcel Mauss, will ya? it's good for you. Mom said so.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_%28book%29

College

I miss you guys!!!

Eeep! / Dream #8

I know I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry. I applied to three jobs this week so have been very busy, and am getting ready to go visit my Grandparents who live 8hrs drive north. But that means, for those of you not familiar with my maternal grandparents... in all likelihood some really entertaining posts forthcoming.
I was also at mom's house for a few days this week, so excuses continue. Anyway, I had an epic dream last night where I was back in my high school for a reunion? of some sort and about 1/3 of the attendees turned into zombies, and so I/the other non zombie kids had to fight them off all night. It was pretty intense. Lots of chasing and biting and judo-chop action on my part. I'm sure you can imagine that the zombies were scared. Er, they Would have been afraid of me, were they not zombies.

Habitat

People don't have "native habitat," animals do. People have homes.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6898241.stm

SOME people really piss me off.

tired.

Well, I feel the quality of my posts has gone down a bit of late, specifically in the areas of grammar and humor. And preciseness of language. No good explanations. I haven't been sleeping well (weird for me, right?) but that's not why. Anyway, today was booooring. I needed to do some more work, but the internet was fritzy and I was frustrated and I gave up. Apparently a cellphone battery is on the way, so I may be somewhat more reliable to get in touch with now.
I did enjoy talking with Grandma and reading this week's "Crystal Ball" report. I thought it was especially meaty and on point after what has been a rather lame series. I also signed up for Unity08.org, which really didn't give me anything to do other than say "Stephen Colbert should run for president"... duh. Stewart/Colbert08.
Oh, and I could work on an organic farm in India in exchange for room and board. Dates, coffee, cows, yoga and meditation anyone? ::coughs:: backbreakinglabor...
http://www.wwoof.org/newsite07/wlist2.asp?cy=INDIA
I am considering it.

Dream 7

Had a dream last night where I was given a tour of Duke, Where I'd been accepted for graduate study. The young man was from physics of some other science dep't, and showed me their facilities. It was nice because it really felt like we connected easily and I was enjoying my time there. When he had finished showing me this dangerous piece of physics equipment, we sat down outside. He told me the real reason he was asked to talk to me was to talk about/determine if I could handle Duke's rigorous study, because of my historical 'problem.' He meant procrastination. I said I understood, but that I had succeeded in the past regardless, and thought I would in the future... I didn't really think Duke's study would be that much harder than undergraduate. He was nice though and ... sympathetic, I guess. He thought I was smart and capable but I guess just wanted to serve as a guard dog.

<3<3<3

http://www.suvir.com/index.html

Stage 1: Denial

My inability to get a job is clearly due to one undeniable fact:
I'm just too awesome for employers.
They can't handle my vast and extensive level of expertise. They can't handle my 'soft skills' and fluid, casual use of psychological jargon. In other words, they are afraid that I would show them up even as their underling.
Now, I can understand their fears. I scare myself sometimes with just how obscenely productive I am. But let's just hope the folks at the certain company I just applied to aren't too vain for their own good, and realize the value of having an overly qualified employee.
Let's hope.

Dream 6

So I woke up with a nightmare and can't get back to sleep, so here goes.

A woman had come to a man's house to prepare dinner for him as part of some TV contest. As a debreifing they asked the man why he signed up, and one of the reported answers related to him wanting to hit on her, basically. She was surprised and a little miffed, but he said they must have made it up because he didn't say that, so the rift was minimized. However, her being a fresh celebrity, it made the third page of a magazine that I happened to read. I learned that this page was being torn out in copies all over America at the publisher's direction, which seemed odd to me since it wasn't that big of a deal. As I flipped through, looking back it seemed it must not have fit with the image this woman was trying to create, as she began modeling various fashions she had created, often with white chenille fabric and bright blue ribbon overlays. They weren't that great. Then she was set to appear in a film, then the film was with Jude Law (I thought to myself, that can't be good--he's always a bad guy), and I saw pictures from the 'film' of them together, then in love, then I somehow knew/had heard that she was to be dissected by him in the end! and I asked myself "does that really happen?" and began to get scared, and I flipped to the last page, and there was a picture of her on a makeshift operating table. it was quite horrifying, as the magazine had come to seemingly show her life's timeline... and what had first seemed like frames from a movie then seemed like pictures from her real life, just like the fashion ones earlier.

Enjoyment

finished some projects, woke up late after not sleeping. Tasty leftovers, looking forward to getting up early tomorrow. Yes, looking forward. I have to apply for at least one job tomorrow, so things are looking promising for a productive day. I'm also considering temping, and i might call a couple agencies about it.
It's been SO hot lately, even the cat was laying around the house all day, plopping wherever it was convenient. I also basically did the same, organizing some of my music on iTunes between work sessions.

oh, and I had a dream where I was trying to get drunk and laid (uncharacteristically desperately and as always, unsuccessfully...), but mom was trying to make me move out of my house next to the river. I was driving around, worried, but when i got home I remembered/noticed that it had flooded, so she couldn't take me away anyway.

weird. night all.

Gaay:

Cow.

Today I started learning uber-basic Hindi. Language is hard. I spent an hour and didn't even get through twenty words. I'll get there though. my goal is 20/week, with full retention, which would get me a 1040 word vocab in a year, which is poor but get-alongable I think. Actually I have no idea how good that is.
I also got quite a bit of other stuff done, like paying the bills, making fancy spinach-cheese packets and cucumber yogurt sauce for dinner, cleaning/moving ALL of my stuff out of the back of the truck finally, falling swiftly, squarely and gracefully on my ample buttcheek in the process. In other words, if you'd seen you would have laughed.
I also picked wineberries and blackberries, making a delicious blackberry sauce this evening which we had on vanilla ice cream topped with a few wineberries. (darn should have taken a photo!) If local peaches are in soon we'll make a cobbler and have the sauce on that-- TAKE THAT peach melba!!!
Too lazy to think of a witty closing. Will add though, that it seems everyone is going overseas for adventures, and I am jealous. I'll just have to promise myself that I'll go to India... at least by the time I'm thirty. Here goes.
I promise myself that I will go to India, at the latest during the year following my thirtieth birthday.
There. You can now hold me to it, not that you'll need to.
love yas.

Lackadaisical

What started out as a promising day literally ended with me languishing around the house, taking a nap, surfing the net, and watching food network because I didn't have energy to do anything worthwhile. I wish I had an excuse but I just kindof crashed. I think the honeymoon period is over. Or at least this is my midnight catastrophising view on things.

Other news: wineberries coming in nicely. Blackberries are especially flavorful this year, hopefully making up for the complete lack of black raspberries. Aimee Mann also hitting the angry-girl spot right now. I plan to eat and flood myself with sound to self medicate tomorrow should I wake up and still be in a funk...


Missing college.

Quickone

I am tired, but want to post for the last couple days because I've been at mom's.
Had a nice time bonding with her and the kitties, who were especially fuzzy just for me, as always. Both seemed to want to spend a lot of time in my lap. Let's see, I picked up my clothes from the tailor, helped mom at school (she's getting set up for summer school), hung out generally, did a little work, helped cook, ran errands. There was a huge gong at the hardware store, it was really quite random.

In amusing news, dad has decided the deer have had enough leisure time in our garden, and it's time to 'go rambo on their ass'; my words not his. So he's taking down the gun... the paintball gun. I went and got 200 hot-pink paintballs from Mall-Wart today and we did a little stump target practice. We can hit them if they get close enough... and stand still. Which is actually relatively plausible, since they seem to be more and more brazen. My concern was that the paint would make them easy targets for hunters, which seem to be their only natural predators around these parts, but dad thinks it will wear off/be shed off by the fall hunting season, and I tend to agree. If we do get them though, it's gonna look like there is a herd of wounded deer traipsing around the woods (or at least deer with bad indigestion and a lack of hands to properly pour their pepto-bismol).
We went to the Buchanan fair tonight and really enjoyed seeing all the old rickety rides that were probably actually antiques... primitive tilt-o-whirl, an art-deco scrambler, etc. ... although I could literally count the number of non-white people I saw on one hand. Everyone seemed friendly enough though, and there was a general kind of relaxation around that indicated everyone was content.
It was a nice way to spend an evening. Even if those delicious french fries did make me grateful for my opposable thumbs and knowledge of antacids. I did manage to spray myself with ketchup though, thankfully mostly in wipe-offable areas.
OK, that wasn't so short. but It's time for bed. Oh, one last thing, the blackberies are in, enough to make sauce, and the wineberries are at the "first one on the vine tip is ripe' stage, enough to taste as you pick. So good times.
And good night all!

July 4th

I had a very nice independence day. Went into town for the fireworks, which were great as always. They had music and played "Dancing in the Dark" and I saw a woman that had hair just like Claire's and for a moment I had a major college flashback, I almost turned to talk to Rachele and LE... "this is your SONG!!!"
Sigh.
Wonderful dinner and blueberry pie. Lots of multicultural families, incl. Latinos, Africans, the ever-present Bosnians, and even some Sikhs, which was cool. Played Uno with the fam and learned that the ultra-competitive Unit style didn't go over quite the same... note to self, I am not Karine, therefore I cannot pull off the overly excited "booyah"/high five combo she does while drunk, particularly since I am stone cold sober.
All in all a successful holiday. I hope Claire did something special, and Karine, since both were out of the states. I was thinking about you!
ps careful with those firecrackers kiddos
<3 your M-om

Things I've learned recently

1- In becoming my parents' parent, I become my parents, and make their mistakes.
2- This is horrifyingly unacceptable.
3- Just as they no longer feel as responsible for my behavior now, I can also learn to take a back seat...
4- Even if they still seem to NOT KNOW ANY BASIC SOCIAL RULES.

Funny Business

Keeping my mind off things. More media.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vw6RgIf6epQ&mode=related&search=

make sure to also watch 'beating your kids'.

Coffee and a Movie

So, I just had a very nice and satisfying evening. We rented "The Big Lebowski" and the entire family (me, dad, grandma) all watched in the basement on the new setup. Dad's prettymuch finished redoing the rec room down there and it's quite inviting. I was afraid grandma would not want to watch the film, with all the cursing of course, but apparently marmots and ruined corvettes are fun no matter how old you are. Just more evidence that my grandmother is badass.
Her hyper-active social life even intruded about 1/3 of the way into the film, when she got a call from one of her old friends who apparently was lonely and wanted to talk. But that was OK by me since I used the time to make a pot of delicious decaf coffee, which we consumed for the remainder of the film.
It was a nice substitute for an "old" college favorite, staying up and watching movies/working with coffee. MMMM night coffee, you are often so much better than morning coffee. I bet LE is drinking a lot of you these days with all her early writing mornings and such.
...I wonder if they drink coffee in Mauritania... which i apparently constantly misspell. Ah, there. it is on the spellcheck function. Anyway, I know they drink tea, which Claire prefers anyway. man I could go for some tea bazaar deliciousness right now. sigh.
Well if I get work at one of the institutions I'll only be half an hour away, so outings would be possible. We'll see.
Hope all is going well.

happyfunrobot

I don't even understand it, but this is my new favorite thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_D5bJSMXVs&NR=1

go go gadget soda!

Possibilities

So I did some more searching and found that state institutions seem to hire 'direct care' people, kind of like behavioral nurses, who don't have experience etc. It sounded enticing, excellent experience and you'd get to work directly with the consumers and staff of all kinds-- see how everything works. The office I got ahold of is up where you all live, actually. I wonder how that would work out though, low pay and high rent that is.
PS there is a new bar in town, an Irish Pub, that apparently has half-price happy hour for redheads one day a week. ::insert evil laughter here::

lick it, blondes.

no, seriously.

Can i get ur #?

So in the last 15 hours i've gotten two unidentified calls and no messages. one number is apparently from a NY, NY-- manhattan's 212 area code. Another from last night was from Indianapolis, Indiana. I'm now so fascinated by researching that I want to call back!

Flowers

Now for the dream flowergarden/landscaping.
This is of course meant to be for a mid-atlantic/Appalachian environ.
It would be a relatively naturalized area for birds, butterflies, and native plants.

Native:
purple coneflower/echinacia
beebalm, mostly red, some white
native butterfly bush, orange
sunflower
poplar
wild cherry
wild persimmon
wild mulberry
native azaleas
queen Anne's lace
sweetpea vines
morning glories
turk's cap lilies or other native species
bergamot
phlox
milkweed
goldenrod?
wild rose, trained.
maples
oaks
sassafras
red bud
dogwood
ferns
lamb's ear

Non Native:
autumn seedum
coral bells
marigolds, zinnias, and lavender for cutting
old-variety iris (for smell)
old-variety lilac, pref. white (for smell)
hydrangea
various daylillies
gladiolas
lawn-naturalized crocuses
peonies
hostas
verigated loriapy
boxwood
lantana

Found:

perfect job at state hospital, direct patient behavioral therapy application, working with senior staff to create treatment plans etc.
Closing date: today, 5pm. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Dream 5

first part: I was getting to know someone. There was a natural setting, I remember hayfield, steps, small old wooden building. We walked down the stairs into the second half of the dream, where he 'turned into' my ex, who was a relatively well known artist. He was hanging out with a couple other local young artists and I in his home, when he said they needed some nude models "to paint on". They had been all ready to do this project. He asked everyone in the room but me, and I felt surprised and annoyed that he didn't ask me. To add to the injury, outside there appeared all manner of washed up/aspiring theater folks, all the men dressed in canvas pants and with a little neck scarf, all the women similarly as well. They were flocking to audition to be nude models. I asked "why the hell are they all dressed the same?" Apparently there was a Grease audition earlier that day, and everyone had just come over from that. I rolled my eyes and said that *I* could do it, and my ex kind of looked at me uncomfortably and was like "uh, ok." I knew he hadn't asked because he thought it would be weird, I just had felt even more conspicuous b/c he hadn't.
He was writing up instructions/assignments for the artists. On the side of the book, on the pages (un-spine part) was a picture of my mother looking 'angry' and some text related to this (he didn't care for my mother, haha), I remembered right when I woke up but I've forgotten. In the book was text he'd sticky-noted on about the artists''assignment' something about earthiness, which i first took to mean mother earth but then realized he was saying 'it should be earthy' (since I am often described as being and liking earthy things).
Everyone was going to get undressed. As I walked back, I wondered if I was doing it to prove something to him or to myself about still being able to attract him, but then I realized I was just doing it to have an excuse to be naked in front of everyone.
I began to take off my clothes, and the thought that I was mother earth's personification in our little charade was quite pleasing to me. The last image in my dream is of me in front of the mirror, looking at my skin. On it were veins and arteries, visible from underneath my skin. They were radiating out from my chest, blue and red, out from my heart-area. It was incredibly striking. I believe my thought was something like, 'well this is what mother earth looks like.'

Now, a good bit of this probably has to do with me coming back from college and seeing my ex (from a good while back) a couple of times, and wondering what all is going on with that awkwardness (him saying we're different people, me wondering if that's true, beginning to think so [getting to know part]). Also wanting to hang out with him a little/be friends, wondering if he's going to interpret that or if he wants it, wondering if I have ulterior motives but not coming up with any (I think the dream answers that, phew)
As for the 'bare exposure', I would kindof automatically interpret that as a desire for intimacy. Key absolving point here being that I wanted to be close not just to him but to everyone there, ie "an excuse to be naked in front of everyone" bit. And painting the body, I would automatically interpret via "skin" and it being the boundary between inner & outer worlds, painting it could be a mask, but could also be said to reveal what is inside (! this makes the veins seem more interesting... instead of someone else painting on like what was going to happen, what was inside was actually revealed). Now, I have pale skin and visible veins around my eyes and on my forearms, so this would be a natural fit.
I get lost as to the significance of all this ending though-- so I don't need help being transparent? It seemed like a more spiritual experience.
Any ideas?

Dream 4

Ok, ok... just one more!
So I had a dream last night where I was in Civil War time, and it was a repeat of a dream i think I have had twice before at least. I am one of many people getting ready to fight in a large, open building, like a warehouse in it's large emptiness but like a church in it's up high/filled with people and no stuff-ness. I do not know what the outside looked like. We were all getting weapons. I was against the back wall on a high ledge with my mother (I was a boy at this point) and we were preparing to fight. I didn't want to but they were coming so we would have to. I got really scared. I recalled that in the first permutation we won the fight, so I assumed I would win again. It turned out that everyone below was getting cleared out, and while before I think I may have seen little fighting, this time I was using my bayonet to keep from getting sword-hacked. They made it all the way back to where my mother and I were, and I gave up so we would not be killed like everyone else had. We were taken prisoner and I was then a girl for the remainder of the dream. I have memories of the walk back-- we were not in shackles, at least not most of the women, and I lagged behind a couple times and caught up, but all in all it wasn't bad. We were not wearing shoes, but I had figured out how to let the mud cake up on my feet for protection. Then we arrived at our (camp?) an old hotel and we each got rooms.
The last bit is vague, I was visiting the other girls. I wasn't really that upset.
An interesting one.